Clue
by Helena Oe
Summary: For those of you who have seen the movie or played the board game, here's a new rendition with all our favorite Harry Potter characters. COMPLETE
1. In Which Six Guests Arrive at Hill House

Disclaimer: Despite loving Harry Potter and the movie Clue, I own neither. I guess the same sort of thing applies with Johnny Depp, The Mormon Tabernacle choir, and chocolate milkshakes. Oh well.

Author's Note: Thank you, Sulwyn of the North- whom I affectionately call Marquesas, Marsa, Miss, and Poopsie- for the happy disclaimer. I am incompetent in such matters.

Clue

I.

In Which Six Guests Arrive at Hill House

Atop a dark and mysterious mountain, there rests a dark and mysterious house, named appropriately Hill House. It was here that a rather eerie automobile was headed, with a rather eerie individual driving it. What this particular person was doing driving a car, only time will tell, because it just so happened that this particular person was of the wizarding race.

Once at the doorway to Hill House, a woman, tall and ominous, stood from the automobile, revealing her long, jet black hair and intense, violet eyes. She climbed the stairs to the front door, passing a pair of massive canine guards to enter out of the chill of night and into the large house. She wiped her heels on the mat and made her way down the long, emblazoned hall in a straight black skirt and simple white blouse, with a gray blazer over.

Entering the library, she found her Bulgarian counterpart shining the silver.

"Is everything ready?" she asked in a low, smooth voice.

"Yes, Madam," he answered quietly in his thick accent.

"You have your... instructions?" she asked.

He nodded deeply and returned to the silver.

The woman made her way back through the hall into the kitchen to see a small house elf hard at work.

"Everything all right, Minnie?" she asked the small elf.

"Dinner will be ready at 7:30," she squeaked in a small voice before turning back to the food.

A loud ring emanated from the front hall and the woman turned quickly and made her way down the hall, pausing for a moment to take a deep breath and focus herself before opening the door. A woman with sandy blonde hair falling to her chin in severe layers stood, staring with her large brown eyes suspiciously at the woman at the door. She wore a red dress that clung to her upper half, and then fell smoothly to her ankles and fell of the shoulders elegantly.

"Good evening," the woman in black said with a peculiarly lightened voice.

"Good evening," the blonde woman said in a deep, nearly guttural voice, "I don't know if..."

"Yes, indeed, you are expected, Colonel." The woman with violet eyes directed the Colonel inside and took her coat, "It is Colonel Mustard, isn't it?"

"No, that's not my name," the blonde woman said, looking rather puzzled, "my name is Colonel..."

"Please, Madam," she cut Mustard off, "tonight you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias."

"And, who are you?" she asked politely, now that it seemed there was no further reason to be apprehensive.

"I'm Cambri Wadsworth, Madam."

Wadsworth led Colonel Mustard into the library, introducing her to Viktor, the Bulgarian help.

"You will give the Colonel anything she requires," Wadsworth instructed Viktor, "within reason that is..."

Another bell rang throughout the house and Wadsworth left the library to attend the door once again.

She opened it to see a tall, pale man completely in black standing before her. He had limp black hair that fell to his neck and wore a stiff black cloak that covered every inch of him, making him appear some sort of specter, rather than mere mortal man.

"Do come in, Sir, you are expected," she said, keeping considerably calm at the sight of this frightening man.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked tightly.

"Only that you are to be known as Mr.... White."

"Yes," he said, looking down at a slip of paper in his hand, "it said so in the letter, but... why?"

Instead of answering, Wadsworth took the man's cloak, revealing even more black, and hung it beside the white one already deposited from Colonel Mustard.

Wadsworth led Mr. White into the library with the other guest and introduced them, though she detected a flash of familiarity in both faces.

Down the road from Hill House, a tall, rugged looking man in a burgundy-colored suit stood on the side of the road, looking rather desperate. A cloud thundered above and he sighed sadly as he knew the rain would come any moment.

Suddenly, in the darkness a pair of car lights came heading down the road, stopping in front of him. A feminine, but strong voice called from inside, "Want a lift?"

"Yes, please," he answered, climbing into the car as the rain started to fall. "Thanks," he started, before realizing who he was sitting beside. "Hermione?" he asked, stunned.

The woman with thick brown curls turned to look at her companion.

"Sirius!" she cried. "What are you doing here?" she stuttered.

"I'm late for a dinner date, I couldn't apparate any further than that."

"I had the same problem a few miles back, but I got a hold of a car..." she started the car, realizing that talking would not get them to their destination any faster. "Where are you headed?"

"Let's see," he reached in his pocket for a slip of paper, "Hill House, off Route 41."

"Wait a minute, that's where I'm going," she said, taking the paper from him, "I got a letter like this."

They both sat in awe as the car took them to the gate of Hill House and up the drive.

Wadsworth was introducing a young man with bright red hair as Mr. Peacock when another ring came from the door and he left them. A tall woman with silvery blonde hair pulled tightly in a bun stood at the doorway in a tight, turquoise dress.

"Ah, you must be Miss Green," Wadsworth said amid the barks of the guard dogs.

"Yes," she affirmed.

"Sit!" Wadsworth shouted at the dogs, causing the silvery-blonde woman to retreat quickly to the bench. "No, not you, Madam."

The woman stood slowly, embarrassed, and made her way into the house.

7:30 arrived at the same time as Hermione and Sirius and Wadsworth was getting worried at having his guests arrive after dinner. Luckily, the bell rang, announcing the last two guests' arrival.

"Mr. Scarlet, Professor Plum, I didn't realize you were acquainted," Wadsworth said upon opening the door to both of them.

"It was a surprise to us as well," Sirius said to Wadsworth, then turning to Hermione, "Wasn't it, Professor Plum?"

She smiled and followed Wadsworth into the house, depositing her coat at the door.

"May I introduce Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum," Wadsworth said upon entering the library, full of people. "As you are all being addressed by an alias, you will notice that nobody here is being addressed by their real name."

"I really don't see why," Professor Plum turned to face Wadsworth, "It seems we're all old friends anyway, doesn't it, Ron, dear?" she turned a slightly cynical face to the red-haired Mr. Peacock. He turned averted his eyes quickly.

"I'm sorry," Wadsworth said, seeming surprised, "I didn't realize. I'm sure my employer will understand if you all wish to address each other by your rightful names."

"No," came the French voice of Miss Green, "I much prefer the pseudonyms. It's not as if we've seen much of each other lately."

"That's certainly true," came the voice of Colonel Mustard.

Plum turned her eyes to meet Mustard's. "Luna?" she breathed quietly.

Colonel Mustard smiled up at her and nodded. "No real names, remember, Plum?"

"Right."

Wadsworth took the moment of awkward silence to announce dinner and lead everyone into the dining room in which they all took their rightful seats. Colonel Mustard, Mr. Scarlet, and Miss Green facing Mr. Peacock, Professor Plum, and Mr. White.

"Is this seat for you?" Colonel Mustard asked Wadsworth, referring to the seat at the end of the table.

"Dear no, Madam, I am merely a humble butler."

"And what exactly do you do?"

"I butle, Madam."

"Which means what? I thought butlers were usually male."

"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room, I keep everything tidy; that's all."

"Well," Mr. Peacock asked, sitting in his end seat, "what is this about, Butler, this dinner party?"

"Not as to reason why, as what to do and die," the butler answered cryptically.

"Die?" Professor Plum asked as she sat down and removed her gloves.

"Merely quoting, Madam, from Alfred Lord Tennison," Wadsworth explained.

"I prefer Kipling myself," Mustard said as she brushed the stick-straight hair out of her face with a bobby pin, "the female of the species is more deadly than the male."

Viktor came ambling from the kitchen, an armful of bowls in tow and smiled at Professor Plum as he did so.

"Spaetzle soup, Sir," he said as he placed a bowl in front of Mr. Peacock, and proceeded to serve each of the dinner guests.

"Is the remaining seat for our host?" Colonel Mustard asked Wadsworth as a bowl of soup was placed before him.

"No, Madam," she said, "for the seventh guest, Mrs. Body."

"I thought Mrs. Body was our host," Mr. White said darkly.

"So did I," said the other five guests in varying forms.

Wadsworth merely smiled ironically.

"Then who is our host, Miss Wadsworth?" asked Mr. White a second time.

Left in silence, the guests turned their attention to the soup set before them.

"I'm going to start while it's still hot," Professor Plum said, adjusting her napkin in her lap.

"Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?" Mr. Peacock looked to his right to see Plum glaring at him.

"I will keep something warm for her," Viktor said harshly.

"What did you have in mind?" said Mr. Scarlet suggestively.

This brought about a silence as a few people bent down to slurp their soup from their spoons. Both Wadsworth and Viktor left the six guests together, looking shiftily in each other's directions until finally Mr. Peacock spoke.

"Well," he said, wiping his napkin to the corner of his mouth, "someone's got to break the ice and it might as well be me. I mean, it's always difficult when a group of old friends get together for the first time so I'm perfectly prepared to get the ball rolling. I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here- or what I'm doing here- or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and very intrigued and, oh my, this soup's delicious, isn't it?"

Mr. Peacock looked up to meet a trio of awe-struck faces on the visages of Mustard, Scarlet, and Green. Wadsworth and Viktor entered the dining room again to serve the main dish, breaking the uncomfortable moment.

"So," Miss Green looked to Mr. Peacock, "what does your wife do?"

"Nothing," he said shortly.

"Nothing?" Miss Green asked slyly, "In times like these? That is a crime."

"Yes, well, she just lies around on her back all day," he tried to recover.

"Sounds like hard work to me," said Mr. Scarlet, wincing as if reliving some painful memory.

"This is one of my favorite recipes," Professor Plum said to Wadsworth as she was leaving back into the kitchen.

"I know, Madam," she said quietly in return.

"Well, what do you do, Miss Green?" he asked, trying to keep his eyes at eye-level while she was wearing an unbearably low-cut dress.

She remained silent.

"Come on, what do you do? How are we supposed to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?"

"Perhaps she doesn't want to get acquainted with you," Mr. Scarlet said, sounding full of triumph, as if he had just defended the fair damsel's honor.

"Well, I'm sure if I wasn't trying to keep the ball rolling we would all just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence," Mr. Peacock nearly shrieked before returning ravenously to his plate.

"Are you afraid of silence, Mr. Peacock?" Professor Plum glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Yes...what... no, why?" he stammered.

"You just seem to suffer from what we call 'pressure of speech'."

"We?" Mr. Scarlet said, lifting an eyebrow. "Are you a shrink?"

"I do know a bit about psychological medicine," Professor Plum said proudly.

"So, you're a doctor?" Mr. White asked skeptically.

"I am, but I don't practice," she said quietly.

"So what do you do?" he asked again, as if an interrogation were being held.

"I work for the United Nations."

"A politician?" Colonel Mustard looked utterly disgusted.

"No, I work for a brancher- WHO- the World Health Organization."

"What is your area of special concern?" Miss Green asked.

"Family planning," she looked to Colonel Mustard, "What about you, Colonel, are you a real colonel?"

"I am," the blonde-haired girl said proudly.

The conversation was abruptly cut off by a ring pealing throughout the house. They turned their heads to the door to the hall and saw Wadsworth quickly come from the kitchen and answer the door. They strained their ears to hear the conversation that followed.

"Ah, you are eagerly awaited, Madam," the familiar voice of Wadsworth said.

"You locking me in?" a high-pitched, but strong voice said.

Silence.

"Give me the key," the unknown person said.

"Over my dead body," Wadsworth said loudly.

Wadsworth returned, leading an unknown, robust woman with thick brown hair to the table.

"What are they all doing here?" she asked out of the corner of her mouth.

"Having dinner," said Wadsworth, "Do sit down, Mrs. Body."

The obese woman walked to the end of the table and sat down hesitantly.

Viktor strode out of the kitchen to place a bowl of soup before Mrs. Body, to which she lifted her hands in protest.

"No, you can take that away, honey," she said, smiling up at him. He returned shortly with a plate of the main course.

"No thanks, Viktor, I just ate." The large woman reached her hand up and gave Viktor's bum a sharp squeeze, to which he backed up a step. The company averted their eyes, a look of embarrassment and disgust apparent in each of their faces.

"Look," Mr. Peacock said, his face turning a ripe red, "I demand to know what's going on here. Why have we all been dragged up here to this horrible place?"

"Well," Wadsworth said, removing a slip of paper, similar to that held by the rest of the group, "I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, 'it will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mrs. Body will bring to an end a certain longstanding, confidential, and painful financial liability.' It is signed 'A Friend.'"

"I received a similar letter," Miss Green purred.

"So did we," Mr. Scarlet looked to Professor Plum, "didn't we?" to which she nodded shortly.

"I also received a letter," Mrs. Body said quietly.

"Forgive my curiosity," Wadsworth said, "but did your letter say the same thing?"

"No," the immense woman said shortly.

"I see," Wadsworth looked suspiciously to the six guests who were each questioning her with their eyes. "Can I interest anyone fruit or dessert?"

No one made a move.

"In that case," Wadsworth continued, "let us adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, where I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions."

End Note: That's all for now! Come back soon.


	2. In Which the Unknown Host's Intentions a...

Disclaimer: Much like the Pacific Ocean, llamas, and this computer, I own none of the Harry Potter characters, but enjoy them nonetheless.

Author's Note: In a very nice review I got yesterday, a very nice person told me to tell everyone who the characters were. I had originally intended to make my lovely little readers figure it out, by process of elimination and helpful hints I gave, but I will oblige and let you in on my secrets so that you can enjoy the story more.

Mr. Scarlet= Sirius Black

Mr. Peacock= Ron Weasley

Mr. White= Severus Snape

Professor Plum= Hermione Granger

Colonel Mustard= Luna Lovegood

Miss Green= Fleur Delacour

Cambri Wadsworth= A friendly OC owned by my buddy Marquesas.

Viktor= Viktor Krum

Hope that helps!

II.

In Which the Unknown Host's Intentions are Revealed

They left to the study, each weary of the other, especially after the reading of the mysterious letter. They sat down on the various couches and chairs, Mrs. Body entering last and sitting at the utmost back of the room. Wadsworth entered last, walking across the room to a desk with a large manila envelope on it that read- "WADSWORTH- OPEN AFTER DINNER." She opened the envelope slowly, revealing papers and pictures in varying sizes and colors, but all enclosing information about the six guests in front of her.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Wadsworth decided to cut to the chase immediately, "you all have one thing in common. You are all being blackmailed. For some time now all of you have been paying what you can afford and in some cases more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you and none of you know who's blackmailing you."

"Oh please," Mr. Peacock said between smokes on his cigarette, "I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Nobody could blackmail me, my life is an open book; I've never done anything wrong."

"Anyone else wish to deny it?"

The room fell deadly silent as Viktor passed out glasses of brandy.

"Very well then. Since everyone's in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details, and my instructions are to do so." A silent dread the room as everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seat and took especially long swigs of brandy. "Thank you, Viktor," Wadsworth said, motioning to the door. Viktor left obediently.

"Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?" Miss Green implored, near tears.

"I'm sorry," Wadsworth said as she began to shuffle through papers and going to Professor Plum. "Professor Plum, you were once a psychiatric doctor specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur."

"Yes," Professor Plum said, "but now I work for the United Nations."

"Then your work has not changed," Wadsworth murmured before continuing, "When you don't practice medicine at the UN, your license to practice has been lifted."

"Why?" Mr. Scarlet asked, joining Wadsworth at Professor Plum's side, "What'd she do?"

"Do you remember that mass escape of convicted Death Eaters last year?" asked Wadsworth.

"Yeah."

"You're looking at the mastermind," she looked to Professor Plum slowly.

Mr. Peacock stood to confront his past friend, "We worked for years to trap those men and you smuggle them out of the country?"

"Those were reformed men, they didn't deserve the fate that awaited them," Plum said loudly.

"They deserved every bit of what was coming to them."

"Voldemort had already punished them beyond your wildest dreams for turning on him. Did they deserve a lifetime sentence to Azkaban too?" she became more and more enraged by the second.

"Please," Wadsworth said calmly, placing a hand on Professor Plum's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said, sitting and taking a gulp of Miss Green's brandy.

After a moment of silence Miss Green said quietly, "I am willing to relieve you, Miss Wadsworth, that I am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."

"Me too," said Colonel Mustard.

"And me," Mr. White agreed.

"Not me," said Mr. Scarlet, leaning his elbows heavily on the desk behind him.

"You're not being blackmailed?" asked Wadsworth skeptically.

"Oh no, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for."

"What did you do?" asked Colonel Mustard quietly.

"Well," said Mr. Scarlet, formulating how best to answer the question, "to be perfectly Frank, I run a specialized hotel and bar in inner-most London which has a constant run of drag performances, in which I am their queen."

"How disgusting," Mr. White said under his breath.

"Are you making moral judgments?" asked Wadsworth, coming behind White's chair, "how then do you justify brewing illegal truth serums made from your very home and office?"

"I am a potions master at the Hogwarts School, there is nothing wrong with that."

"Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the serums are delivered in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room and then sold on the black-market without the assent or even knowledge of the Ministry, how then would you describe that transaction?"

"I'd say it stinks," combated Mr. Scarlet.

"Oh," Mr. White muttered, "how would you know, where were you in that men's room?"

"So it's true," Professor Plum pointed out delightedly.

"No, it's a vicious lie!"

"I'm sure we're all glad to hear that," Wadsworth said with a slightly menacing smile forming on her face. "But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers."

Mr. White stood to get away from Wadsworth and refill his glass of brandy.

"Colonel Mustard," Wadsworth turned to the girl sitting between Mr. Peacock and Mr. Scarlet on the large couch, "you've been paying the blackmailer for nearly three years, correct?"

"Yes," she said shortly.

"And is the reason not because it was nearly three years ago that our past Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge was booted from office?"

"What are you getting at?" Professor Plum asked, facing Wadsworth and glancing towards Colonel Mustard suspiciously.

"That it was not merely by chance that the entire Wizengamot voted against him in the appeal, but by a conspiratorial effort led by our own Colonel Mustard."

There was a collective gasp among the room.

"Oh, like any of you miss him," Mustard said casually, returning her fingernails. No one could argue.

"Mr. Peacock, I suppose it's your turn," Wadsworth said, sitting on the arm of the chair beside him. "You've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your wife died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances."

Mr. Scarlet let out a laugh.

"What's so funny?" Mr. Peacock asked, a little hurt.

"I see, that's why she was lying on her back, in her coffin."

"I didn't kill her," he stammered.

"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" Colonel Mustard asked.

"I didn't want a scandal, did I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. She was deranged, lunatic! She didn't seem to like me very much, she had threatened to kill me in public."

"Why would she want to kill you in public?" Mr. Scarlet asked.

"I think he meant," Wadsworth said, "She threatened in public to kill him."

"Oh," Scarlet said turning back to the red-haired man, "and was that her final word on the matter?"

"Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?"

"And yet she was the one who died, not you, Mr. Peacock, not you!" Wadsworth said, obviously enjoying every moment of this.

"What did she do for a living?" asked Mr. White, joining in on the let's-make-Mr. Peacock-uncomfortable-game.

"She was a scientist- nuclear physics," he answered.

"What was she like?" asked Colonel Mustard.

"She was always rather stupidly optimistic; I'm afraid it came as a great shock to her when she died, but she was found dead at home. Her head had been cut off and so had her..." he looked to his chest briefly, to which all the women and Mr. Scarlet crossed their arms simultaneously and glared at Mr. Peacock, who simply continued his testimony, "I had been out all night at work."

"Do you miss her?" asked Miss Green.

"Well," he answered, trying to sound sad, "it's a matter of life after death. Now that she's dead, I have a life."

"But she was not your first wife," Wadsworth said, "your former wife also disappeared."

"But that was her job," Peacock explained, "She was an illusionist."

"She never reappeared."

"She wasn't a very good illusionist."

"Oh, Peacock sweetie," Professor Plum said in a mockingly sweet voice, "I'm the one that got away alive, wasn't I?"

"What?" asked Mr. Scarlet, stunned at the inference. "You mean you two were..."

"Yes," Professor Plum answered, "we were married a little over a year- I was his first. It didn't work out, though now I'm seeing it probably would have ended much worse for me had I not that broken it off then." She smiled widely at Mr. Peacock to which he turned, bright red, away.

Miss Green suddenly stood. "I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me," she said, "I work as a model in Paris and have been named the national Sex Symbol three years in a row... and I'm a homosexual."

Everyone's eyes widened simultaneously and a pair of six jaws dropped to the floor.

"I feel no personal shame or guilt, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my modeling contract and the love of my country. Thank you," she said, sitting beside Professor Plum.

"Well," Plum said, standing quickly, "That just leaves Mrs. Body.

Everyone turned their attention to the aforementioned woman who had until now kept silent and out of attention.

"What's your little secret?" asked Mr. Scarlet, smiling attentively towards the hearty woman in the corner.

"Her secret?" Wadsworth said, "oh, haven't you guessed? She's the one who's blackmailing you all."

The six guests stood to form a wall facing Mrs. Body, who stood as well.

"You bitch!" Colonel Mustard shrieked before flying at her with her fists. It took one swing on Body's part to knock Mustard limply to the ground. The women united to create a monster catfight while the men, excluding Mr. Peacock who joined in the fray, stood back, cheering their girls on.

"Wait!" Wadsworth finally shouted, getting the attention of everyone, "the police are coming."

"What?" everyone began squealing manically.

"Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how she's been able to blackmail you, now all you have to do is confess to the police, she'll be convicted and your troubles will be over."

"It's not so simple," the massive woman said, standing to her feet. "You'll never tell the police."

"Then I shall," Wadsworth said through the crowd of bodies, "I have evidence in my possession and this conversation is being tape recorded."

An explosion of voices broke out, some terrified that anyone would hear the tape, some wishing they had gotten a video camera in there too.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Wadsworth gained their attention once more, "the police will be here in about forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth and Mrs. Body will be behind bars."

Mrs. Body broke through the crowd to the door.

"Where are you going?" Wadsworth demanded.

"I think I can help them make up their minds, can I just get my little bag from the hall?"

She made her way to the hall and removed six small black boxes from her bag. She returned with the boxes and gave each guest one of them.

"Who can guess what's in here?" she chanted.

"The evidence against us, no doubt," Mr. White said darkly.

"We didn't know we were meeting you tonight," Mr. Scarlet said, "Did you know you were meeting us?"

"Oh yes," Mrs. Body smiled. "They're gifts, open them."

They all hesitantly returned to their seats and gingerly untied the packages and opened them. Mr. Scarlet was the first to speak.

"A candlestick?" he asked, "What's this for?"

All she could do was smile as the rest removed their 'gifts' from the packages. Miss Green held the lead pipe suspiciously, Mr. White pulled a rope out and ran his fingers along it thoughtfully, and Colonel Mustard lifted a rusty wrench from the box cautiously. Beside her, Professor Plum stared down at the revolver lying in its box before lifting it, carefully avoiding the trigger and finally Mr. Peacock staring at his small dagger awestruck.

Mrs. Body stood back, a look of cruel satisfaction emerging across her wide face.

"In your hands," she said in her ghastly voice, "you all hold a lethal weapon." She began pacing the room, eyeing each member of the group, as they continued to gaze at their appointed weapon. "If you turn me in to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, none but the seven of us will ever know." She made her way to the door and, with fingers on the light switch said, "You're only chance to avoid the front pages is to kill Wadsworth..." she gave one more smile towards Wadsworth, who now stood a bit straighter and stiffer than moments before, "NOW!"

The room went black and in one brief moment a succession of things happened. There was a gasp and thud, then a gunshot, followed by a scream. Mr. Peacock turned the lights on, revealing a very cadaverous Mrs. Body lying on the ground, face down.

"It's not Wadsworth," Miss Green said breathlessly, making her little French way to the body. Mr. Scarlet beat her.

"Stand back!" Scarlet flung himself upon the body of Mrs. Body, "Give her air!" The others stood back, forming a tight circle around the fat lady lying on the ground. After a moment of checking pulses and breath, Mr. Scarlet sat back on his haunches and stated firmly, "She's dead."

There was a collected gasp and everyone staggered a step back or began fanning themselves from the shock.

"Who had the gun?" Mr. White demanded.

"I did," Professor Plum said.

"Then you shot her," Mr. Peacock accused.

"I didn't!"

"You had the gun," Mr. Peacock continued, "If you didn't shoot her, who did?"

Everyone turned their eyes abruptly to the body, to which Professor Plum knelt and, with a severe amount of difficulty, turned the body over, revealing a clean front.

"Nobody," Professor Plum said, "Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody grabbed the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look!" she pointed to the wall behind them, "The bullet broke that vase on the mantle!"

They all ran to inspect the wall.

"She's absolutely right," Colonel Mustard said, arriving first at the wall, "there's a bullet hole here in the wall."

"Then how did she die?" Miss Green squealed.

"I don't know," Professor Plum said, staggering out of the crowd to get air. "I'm not a forensic expert."

"Well one of us must have killed her!" Mr. Scarlet shrieked.

"Well," Miss Green assured the group, "I didn't do it."

"Oh, God, I need a drink," Mr. Peacock moved to the corner where he poured himself a glass of brandy and downed it immediately.

"Maybe she was poisoned!" Professor Plum shouted as the idea formulated by watching her friend of old.

Mr. Peacock dropped the glass in horror before screaming... and screaming and screaming. They all looked to each other, a bit embarrassed for this full-grown man, clutching the wall in terror. Finally Miss Green stepped forward to lead him to the couch.

"Mr. Peacock, please," she said taking his hand, but he continued screaming. "Mr. Peacock, sit down," she continued to try to silence him, but to no avail. "Mr. Peacock!" she finally slapped him across the face, drawing silence at last. She turned to the shocked looks on everyone's face. "I had to stop him screaming," she explained quietly.

"But," Colonel Mustard grabbed Green's shoulder's roughly, "Was the brandy poisoned?"

"I don't know," she stammered.

The group fled to the corner and Mr. Scarlet held the empty bottle high above his head- "Looks like we'll never know."

"Unless..." Miss Green looked down at the red haired man on the sofa, "Unless he dies too."

They all joined Miss Green around the couch, all mere inches from Mr. Peacock's face, surveying and studying him, until their focus was drawn from Mr. Peacock's dazed face to the screams emitting from the hall.

End Note: Please please review. I find this idea ever so interesting, and it will make me heartbroken not to get any feedback.


	3. In Which Mrs Body is Dead Again

Disclaimer: I long to own Harry Potter just as I long to own the planet Neptune, a beanbag chair, and Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. But alas, it is not so.

Author's Note: I don't even know how to thank everybody for their feedback. Just to know that people are reading makes me feel so happy deep deep down inside my heart. I don't really have much else to say, except thank you for the suggestions; they really helped and got me thinking.

III.

In Which Mrs. Body is Dead Again

The six stood, in a panic at the screams outside their room. They ran to the door, running down the hall looking for the origin of the screams, until finding their destination at the door to the billiard room.

"It's locked," Mr. Scarlet said as he grabbed at the doorknob vehemently.

"Open up!" Miss Green shouted as she hit her lead pipe against the door, knocking loudly.

"It must be the murderer!" Mr. Peacock said fearfully.

"Why would he scream?" Colonel Mustard asked.

"He must have a victim in there," Mr. White reasoned, before realizing the options, "Oh my God, Viktor."

"Oh my God!" Colonel Mustard shrieked hysterically.

The door swung open after Viktor had unlocked it, revealing Viktor with tears streaming down his cheeks curled up on the pool table.

"You're alive!" Wadsworth gasped, relieved.

"No thanks to you," huffed the Bulgarian bitingly.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You locked me up with the murderer, you idiot!"

"So," Mr. White asked bleakly, "the murderer is in this room?"

Viktor nodded slowly, wiping the tears from his face.

"But where?" asked Miss Green, darting her glance around the room fearfully.

"Where?" Viktor asked rhetorically, "We are all looking at him, or her. It is what Mr. Scarlet said in the study, one of you is the killer."

"How did you know we said that?" Mr. Peacock demanded.

"I was listening," Viktor said.

"Then why were you screaming in here all by yourself?" Mr. White asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I am frightened, Sir," Viktor lowered his voice as his nostrils flared in dread, "I also drank the cognac. I can't stay in here by myself."

"Come to the study with us," Mr. Scarlet said as he took Viktor's arm.

"With the murderer?" he spat.

"There is safety in numbers..." Colonel Mustard said, waving her wrench dangerously before realizing the threat it held, "my dear."

Viktor took Mr. Scarlet's arm, very worried indeed, and followed them back to the study.

Everyone took a seat, or stood warily against the wall. Miss Green looked back at the woman lying on the ground.

"Is there no indication of how she died?" Miss Green demanded.

"No," Professor Plum assured her.

It was then that Wadsworth finally entered, fuming in frustration.

"This is terrible," she stammered, "absolutely terrible. It's not what I'd intended."

"Not what you intended?" Mr. White asked, his voice rose suspiciously.

"You mean you're not the butler?" Mr. Scarlet asked, retaining his ever-unruffled composure.

"I'm not the butler," Wadsworth said, "but I am a butler. In fact, I was her butler."

"So," Professor Plum said, pointing to the body, "If she told us all to arrive at her house, why did she arrive late?"

"I invited you," Wadsworth explained, a trace of guilt stirring her voice, "I wrote the letters, it was all my idea."

"Wait a minute," Mr. Peacock stammered, "I... I don't understand. Why did you invite us here to meet your late employer; were you assisting her to blackmail us?"

"Certainly not," Wadsworth stood forcefully.

"I think you had better explain," Mr. White said, taking a seat.

"Please sit down," Wadsworth said, making her way to the front of the room. They obeyed directly. "When I told you I was Mrs. Body's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once her butler, but it was not her untimely death this evening that brought my employment with her to an end."

"When did it come to an end?" asked Professor Plum reclining back in her chair.

"When my husband decided to end his life," Wadsworth said, holding back her tears. "He too was being blackmailed by this odious woman that now lies dead before you. She hated my husband for the same reason that he hated all of you- he believed you were all thoroughly indecent and unacceptable.

"For some reason, she thought it was inappropriate for a fine, upstanding school to have a corrupt teacher," she looked at Mr. White, "for a Colonel to take part in anti-governmental actions," Mustard shifted in her seat, "for a husband to emasculate his wife," Mr. Peacock reddened, "and," she glanced toward Miss Green, "so forth."

"It doesn't make sense. If she was so righteous and moral, why didn't she just report us to the authorities?" Colonel Mustard asked.

"She decided to put her information to good use and make a little money out of it, while punishing you herself. What could make more sense than that?"

"And what was your role in all of this?" Professor Plum asked.

"I was a victim too," she said quietly, "at least my husband was. He had friends who were..." she bit back tears, "informers to the Death Eaters."

Everyone gasped, save for Professor Plum and Mr. Scarlet who looked around tentatively.

"Well," tears rose to Wadsworth's eyes, "We all make mistakes."

Mr. White rose and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to Wadsworth, which she took gratefully and wiped her eyes.

"But Mrs. Body threatened to give my husband's name to the Ministry unless he named them, he refused... and so she blackmailed him. We had no money and the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing- we were slaves." She paused momentarily in thought, "Well, to make a long story short..."

"Too late," Colonel Mustard muttered, evoking an icy glare from Mr. White.

"The suicide of my husband preyed on my mind and reentered a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mrs. Body behind bars. It seemed the way to do it and to free you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone together, confront Mrs. Body with her crimes and then, turn her over." She sighed as she completed her account.

"Solved," Professor Plum said, brushing her hair from her face, "everything is explained." Mr. Peacock nodded in agreement.

"Nothing's explained," Mr. Scarlet said, "we still don't know who killed her." Mr. Peacock shook his head in agreement.

"The point is," Wadsworth pointed out, "we've got to do it in the next thirty minutes- before the police arrive."

"My God," Mr. Peacock stood angrily, "we can't have them come here now."

"But," Colonel Mustard stood as well, walking to Wadsworth, "how are we possibly going to find out which of you did it?"

"What do you mean," Professor Plum asked, taken aback, "which of you did it?"

"Well, I didn't do it."

"Well, one of us did," Wadsworth said, walking away from the Colonel, "We all had the opportunity; we all had a motive."

"Great," Mr. Scarlet replied, "We'll all go to the chair."

"Maybe it wasn't one of us," Professor Plum pointed out.

"Who else could it have been?" Colonel Mustard inquired sarcastically.

"Who else is in the house?" Professor Plum asked sincerely.

"Only the house elf," Wadsworth answered casually, before locking eyes with Viktor who stood and said in unison with Wadsworth, "The house elf!"

The group ran to the kitchen, finding it empty. They stood in the doorway as Miss Green made her way across it, stopping in front of the refrigerator.

"Well, she's not here," she said quietly.

The door to the refrigerator creaked open slowly, revealing a small house elf crammed in, which fell into Miss Green's arms. Professor Plum screamed.

Miss Green laid the little thing down, a knife poking out of her back. Mr. Peacock, Colonel Mustard, and Mr. Scarlet joined her momentarily.

Colonel Mustard stood and turned to Wadsworth, "I think you'd better explain yourself, Wadsworth."

"Me? Why me?"

"Who would want to kill the house elf?" Miss Green asked sadly.

"Dinner wasn't that bad," Mr. Scarlet muttered.

"How can you make jokes at a time like this?" demanded the Colonel.

"It's my defense mechanism," Mr. Scarlet stood, unphased.

"Some defense," she continued angrily, "If I was the killer, I would kill you next."

They all stood back, alarmed at the statement.

"Come on," Colonel Mustard said, twitching nervously at their gaze, "I said 'if.'" When no one averted their eyes, she looked nervously for a scapegoat, "Hey, there is only one admitted killer here and it is certainly not me, it is him." She turned and pointed to Mr. Peacock.

"I've admitted nothing," he said, reddening slightly.

"Well, you've paid the blackmailer," the interrogation continued, "How many wives have you had?"

"Mine or other men's?"

"Yours."

"Five."

"Five?"

"Yes, just the five. Women should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable."

"You lure women to their death like a spider with flies."

When there was no answer, Colonel Mustard looked for her next angle. "Besides, who had the knife, Mr. Peacock?" she cocked her head to the side, "It was you, wasn't it?"

"Yes," he answered, "but I put it down."

"Where?"

"On the table."

"When?"

"Before I fainted... after I fainted... I don't know. But any of you could have picked it up!" Mr. Peacock looked quite worn out from the questioning. A silence followed, in which they all turned their heads to look at the small house elf.

"Well," Wadsworth said, approaching the elf, "I suggest we put Minnie's body in the study."

"Why?" Professor Plum asked incredulously.

"I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy."

They obliged and Wadsworth picked up the body and headed back for the study. Wadsworth, Professor Plum, and Viktor made something of a wall as they approached the study, blocking the other guests from view. They were astounded to see the ground that had housed Mrs. Body only minutes before, was now clear.

"Look!" Professor Plum said, pointing at the ground in horror. "The body's gone."

Wadsworth and Viktor gasped in surprise.

"What are you all staring at?" Mr. White asked, irritated.

"Nothing," Wadsworth answered.

"Well, who's there?" Mr. Scarlet asked from behind.

"Nobody," Viktor answered.

"What do you mean?" Miss Green demanded, at the very back.

"Nobody," Wadsworth sputtered, "No body's what we mean. Mrs. Body's body, it's gone."

"Maybe she wasn't dead," Mr. Peacock said. "We should have made sure."

"How?" Mr. White muttered, "by cutting her head off, I supposed."

"That was uncalled for."

"Where is he?" Mr. Scarlet pushed his way through to see for himself.

"We'd better look for him," Wadsworth said, dropping the elf on the ground and making his way into the room. The guests followed him, checking behind curtains, under rugs, in desks, and so forth.

"Well," Miss Green said, after checking beneath the coffee table, "she couldn't have been dead."

"She was," Mr. Scarlet said, "at least I thought she was." He loosened the collar of his shirt, "But what difference does it make now?"

"Makes quite a difference to him," answered Plum, looking through some of the papers on the desk. "Maybe there is such a thing as life after death," she mused.

"Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage," Mr. Peacock spat, more to himself than anyone.

"Maybe," Colonel Mustard approached Wadsworth with her theory, "Mrs. Body killed the house elf."

"Yes," Mr. White and Mr. Scarlet agreed in unanimity.

"How?" Wadsworth asked, seeming quite frankly amused.

"I don't know," Colonel Mustard turned and sat on the sofa.

As Professor Plum looked through the papers on the desk she stumbled on some interesting pictures of one Mr. Scarlet.

"What's this, Wadsworth?" she asked innocently.

"I'm afraid those are photographs of Mr. Scarlet in the state he referred to earlier this evening."

"Were you planning to blackmail him?" Professor Plum smiled gingerly across at Mr. Scarlet who hastily made his way across the room.

"Oh for the love of God," he muttered under his breath, not so much in embarrassment, but more out of pure irritation.

"Certainly not," Wadsworth answered Professor Plum. "I'd obtained them for Mr. Scarlet and was going to give them back once Mrs. Body was unmasked."

"Very pretty, Scarlet," Professor Plum laughed.

Colonel Mustard and Mr. White approached the photograph and studied it for a moment before Colonel Mustard said snidely, "Nobody can get into that position."

"Sure they can," Mr. White took her shoulders and moved her to the couch, "let me show you."

He straddled her, sliding her leg around his waist and bent forward slightly before Colonel Mustard said in an annoyed voice, "Get off me."

Just as Mr. White was preparing to dislodge himself from Colonel Mustard, the screams of Mr. Peacock came shrieking through the space. They looked up and, to their surprise, he was not present in the room.

They stood and ran out of the hall, seeing him at the door to the bathroom, with Mrs. Body draped across him, a candlestick set neatly on the doorframe over the bathroom.

"She's attacking him!" Professor Plum shouted as they ran to the scene.

Mrs. Body, with a very bloody cranium, fell limply to Mr. Peacock's side.

"Mrs. Body," Mr. White kneeled beside the body, "dead... again."

Mr. Peacock fanned himself with his hand, but tipped unpleasantly.

"He's going to faint," Wadsworth said, moving to him.

"Somebody catch him," suggested Miss Green, as she knelt down by the body.

"I'll catch you," Wadsworth placed herself behind him. "Fall into my arms."

Mr. Peacock fell flaccidly through Wadsworth's outstretched arms and fell back between her legs.

"Oops," she apologized, looking down at his body beneath her. She averted her attention to the now very obviously dead Mrs. Body. "Mrs. Body," she said, approaching the body and kneeling beside everyone else, "She's got new injuries," she lifted her sausage-like arm that fell to the ground with a thud. "Well, she's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill her twice?"

"So unnecessary," Mr. Scarlet shook his head slowly, arms crossed.

"It's what we call overkill," Colonel Mustard said, looking down at the body.

"It's what we call psychotic," Professor Plum added, waving her hands slightly in front of her.

"Unless he wasn't dead before," Miss Green pointed out.

"What's the difference?" Mr. Scarlet exasperated loudly.

"That's what we're trying to figure out!" shrieked Wadsworth from inside the bathroom. "We're trying to figure out who killed her, and where, and with what!"

"There's no need to shout," reasoned Professor Plum calmly.

"I'm not shouting!" Wadsworth bellowed, spit flying. "Alright, I'm shouting," she approved. "I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm..." and she fell to the floor as the golden candlestick plummeted from its resting place, knocking Wadsworth unconscious.

End Note: Kauabunga! Maybe that's how it's spelled. Anyway, that's how I feel about this story, because it just keeps going. Our poor guests about to plunge into some more problems shortly. If you've seen the movie you know what I mean. Also, I want to apologize for not sticking to the movie exactly, what with the things they're being blackmailed for and who kills who and everything- I just tried to fit the dialogue and situations to the characters in Harry Potter, rather than keeping everything exactly like the movie. However, I will continue to write mirroring the script, because I find that fun. Hope you're enjoying and if you are (or not, I don't mind criticism) please review. Thanks!


	4. In Which They Decide To Search the House

Disclaimer: It is said that I own many things, such as the Statue of Liberty, Barney the Dinosaur, and Peanut Butter MnMs. Sadly, along with the Harry Potter characters, I do not.

Author's Note: Thank you again for all the glorious reviews! A lot of people have been saying that maybe Umbridge could be Mrs. Body. And while that was not the original idea I had in mind- mine being that it was a totally unknown person- I like the idea a lot. The only problem being that none of the guests seemed to recognize her. Another thought could be that she was Aunt Marge, except for the fact that she's a muggle. But I like that idea too. No matter how you look at it, feel free to come up with your own justifications and reasonings behind the identity of Mrs. Body. So, on that thought, chapter four...

IV.

In Which They Decide To Search the House

The guests again entered the study, this time carrying the truly dead Mrs. Body. Mr. White, Mr. Scarlet, Professor Plum and Viktor holding each of the limbs. They laid her down in front of the couch before returning to the dead house elf still lying in the doorway. Miss Green carried her over and placed her carefully on the sofa. However, they all saw that as she leaned against the sofa, the knife leaned further into her.

"How do we do this?" Miss Green asked, "The dagger will go further and further into her back."

"Tip her over the arm of the sofa," Colonel Mustard ordered, and they obliged leaning the little creature over the arm so that the dagger now stood straight into the air.

Wadsworth entered with Mr. Peacock, both gingerly pressing their heads and walking a bit dazedly.

"Don't get blood on the sofa," Wadsworth cautioned as she walked past.

The guests then looked down at the enormous woman at their feet. Each of the men, excluding poor Mr. Peacock because he was still recovering from his small fainting fit, lifted Mrs. Body onto the couch, not with the greatest ease.

"Now," Colonel Mustard said, pausing as she looked into the open eyes of Mrs. Body. She closed the eyelids and began again. "Who had access to the candlestick?"

"All of us," Mr. Scarlet said quickly.

"It was given to you," Mr. White expressed passionately.

"Yeah," Mr. Scarlet continued, "but I dropped it on the table. Any one of us could have picked it up. You, him..."

"Look," Wadsworth said, setting her ice pack on the table, "We still have all these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, the lead pipe..." she picked up the weapons from the floor and several people handed them to her. "I suggest we put them all in this cupboard and lock it. There's a homicidal maniac about."

The six all voice their assent.

"And," Wadsworth said, "as an added precaution..." he looked about, nervous about his next suggestion, "I think we should all lock up our wands, just in case."

There were several outbursts of protest, but most of the members handed over their wands readily. Once each weapon and each wand was securely locked in the cupboard, they all sighed, relieved that the immediate danger was closed behind the wooden cabinet door. Wadsworth stepped back and put the key in her pocket.

"What are you doing with the key?" Miss Green asked.

"Putting it in my pocket."

"Why?"

"To keep it safe, obviously."

"But that means you can open it whenever you want," Mr. Peacock stood, removing his jacket in a frenzy.

"It also means you can't," Wadsworth replied, a hand placed securely over the pocket that held the key.

"But what if you're the murderer?" cried Mr. Peacock passionately.

"I'm not."

"But what if you are?" Colonel Mustard said.

"I know," said Wadsworth suddenly, "we'll throw it away!"

"Wonderful!" cried Professor Plum, and others voiced similar axioms.

They ran to the front door where Wadsworth raised the key above her head to fire it from the house, flinging the door opened.

They all stepped back at the sight that met them. A young woman with jet-black hair, soaking wet, recoiled at Wadsworth's threatening stance.

"Sorry," Wadsworth murmured, then smiled warmly, "Sorry. Can we help?"

The other guests gathered around the butler and smiled similarly.

"I'm sorry," the woman said, straightening herself, "I didn't mean to disturb the whole household. Is that...?" she stopped as she looked at all the many familiar faces. "Oh goodness, I'm so glad this is a wizarding residence, I was flying overhead and my broom got caught in a tree, out of nowhere... well, I suppose it was silly for me to be flying in such a storm as it is... anyway, I tried to apparate, but this must be non-apparating zone, because I couldn't. So, I was wondering if I could use your floo, or...?" the woman stopped at the intense stares she was being dealt by the eight people standing before her.

"Actually," Wadsworth said, sounding as warm and welcoming as she could muster, "all magical activity is restricted in this area, and its been closed down. Just a moment please."

Wadsworth turned to face the group and they all leaned in, whispering feverishly amongst themselves and glancing up every few moments at the arrival, who seemed to be growing more and more uneasy. Finally, they seemed to come to a decision and stood back, all smiling at the woman.

"Very well, Madam," Wadsworth said, raising her voice ever so slightly and tilting her head friendly, "We have a telephone, if you'd like to use that." The woman nodded curtly. "Would you care to come in?" Wadsworth asked, stepping aside to make room for the young woman to step into the house.

"Yes, thank you very much," the black-eyed woman responded, smiling at the unexpected hospitality. She stepped into the house and Wadsworth closed the door behind her. "Well," she asked, looking about the great room, "where is it?"

"What? The body?" Wadsworth asked without a thought. The group jumped at the words.

"The phone," said the young woman, becoming agitated by the atmosphere created by the nervous group of people, "what body?"

"There's no body," Wadsworth said, and then tried to correct herself "There's no body... nobody..." she frantically thought of how to recover, "There's nobody in the study."

"No!" the whole assembly chorused.

"But I think there's a phone in the lounge," said Wadsworth, smiling.

"Thank you," the woman turned and allowed Wadsworth to lead her to the lounge.

"When you've finished your call," Wadsworth said as the young woman walked into the lounge, "I hope you'll be kind enough to wait here."

She nodded and Wadsworth left, locking the door behind her.

"Where's the key?" asked Miss Green, slamming Wadsworth into the door.

"In my pocket," she said quietly.

"Not that key," Professor Plum said, "the key to the cupboard... with the weapons."

"Do you still wish me to throw it away?"

The lot of them shouted their approval and pushed her forward to the front door, in which she removed a key from her pocket and threw it across the way, where it landed in the gutter.

As she reentered, Mr. Peacock went up to her, with all but tears in his eyes.

"Wadsworth," he said desperately, "Let me out."

"No," she answered.

"Why not?"

"We've got to know who did it; we're all in this together now."

"If you leave," sneered Mr. White, "I'll say you killed them both."

"Me too!" shouted the rest in varying terms.

"Oh Wadsworth," he said, stroking a hand across her face, "I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day, when we're alone together..."

"Mr. Peacock, no woman in her right mind would be alone together with you."

He gasped, offended at the inference.

"I could use a drink," said Colonel Mustard beginning to make her way down the hall, but stopped to look into the study. "Just checking," she explained.

"Everything all right?" asked Mr. White.

"Yup, two corpses, everything's fine."

They congregated once more in the library where Colonel Mustard poured out the drinks and approached Wadsworth.

"Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?"

"No."

"So there is someone else in this house?"

"Sorry, I said no meaning yes."

"No meaning yes?" she straightened herself before continuing, "Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?"

"No."

"No there is, or no there isn't?"

"Umm..." Wadsworth thought for a moment, "Yes."

Becoming rapidly more frustrated by the second, Miss Green shattered her glass against the wall, "Please!" she howled, "Don't you think we should get that man out of this house before he finds out what's been going on here?"

"Yeah," Mr. Scarlet agreed.

"How can we throw him outside in this weather?" Professor Plum pointed out.

"If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious," Miss Green defended her case.

"If we throw him out he may get even more suspicious," Professor Plum continued to argue.

Mustard broke in, "If I were him, I'd be suspicious already."

"Oh, who cares?" Mr. Peacock screamed, "That guy doesn't matter. Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then and there are two dead bodies in the study!"

"Shhh," the group grew instantly aware of the man's presence in the room directly next to theirs.

"Well there is still some confusion as to whether there is anybody else in this house," Colonel Mustard turned back to Wadsworth.

"I told you there isn't."

"There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?"

"Either... or both."

"Just give me a clear answer!"

"Certainly..." she thought for a moment, "What was the question?"

"Is there anybody else in this house?" she finally howled.

Quite fed up with the two of them, the other six screamed back, "No!"

"It's what she says," Colonel Mustard said, walking slowly through the room, "but does she know? I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion, we split up and search the house."

"Split up?" shrieked Mr. Peacock.

"Yes, we have very little time, so we'll split up into pairs."

"Pairs?" Professor Plum stepped forward, "but suppose that one of us is the murderer? If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with the killer might get killed."

"Then we would have discovered who the murderer is!" the Colonel justified loudly.

"But the other half of the pair would be dead," Mr. Peacock shrilled.

"This is war, Peacock," she strutted forward to him, "You cannot cook an omelette without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that."

"But look what happened to the cook?" Mr. Peacock bit his fist and retreated to a corner.

"Colonel," Mr. Scarlet asked, getting himself what seemed to be his third whiskey, "are you willing to take that chance?"

"What choice have we?"

"None," Viktor said from the fireplace.

"I suppose you're right," Mr. Scarlet nodded.

"I suggest we all draw lots," Wadsworth said, taking a bundle of matches from the fireplace.

In the kitchen, she carefully cut two at a time, creating four equal pairs. Then she spun around and arranged them in her hand.

"Ready?" she asked, extending her hands slowly, "The two shortest together, the next two shortest, agreed?"

The company nodded.

"And I suggest the shortest search the cellar and so on, up."

Each member went forward to draw their separate matchstick and when they were done, searched to find their partner. It appeared that Colonel Mustard and Mr. White would be searching the cellar, Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum the ground floor, Mr. Peacock and Miss Wadsworth the second story, and Viktor and Miss Green the attic. Each looked more or less apprehensive with their ally.

They left the kitchen and Wadsworth pointed out the cellar, which Colonel Mustard and Mr. White retreated into and continued up the stairs followed by Mr. Peacock, Viktor, and Miss Green. Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum stood in the middle of the hall looking at the many closed doors.

"We know what's in the study," Mr. Scarlet said, "and we just came from the library and the stranger locked up in the lounge..."

"Let's go through the billiard room again," Professor Plum said, turning into the room.

Upstairs, thunder crashed as Wadsworth showed Viktor and Miss Green the door to the attic, giving Miss Green the key, and continued on to the rooms ahead, looking disquietedly now and then at her partner, who happened to be doing to the same.

Miss Green turned the key gently in the door before opening it to reveal a second staircase. She closed the door behind her and locked it after lighting a candle in the sconce on the wall. She placed the key delicately in her pocket before turning to the narrow staircase in front of them.

"Do you want to go up in front of me?" Viktor asked Miss Green.

"Absolutely not."

"I'm sure there's nothing up there."

"Then you go in front."

"Alright," he said, bracing himself.

The cellar door swung slowly open for Mustard and White and they both entered cautiously. When the door shut it left them in the pitch black, hearing only the other's breath.

"Ladies first," White whispered icily.

"No," Colonel Mustard said, "No, you can go first."

"What are you afraid of," he asked mockingly, "a fate worse than death?"

"Just death, isn't that enough?"

They both stood silently for a moment before Mr. White took a step forward, plunging down a long staircase, forcing Colonel Mustard to back up to the wall behind her, holding her breath. White reached and found the light switch revealing a large wine cellar. The Colonel momentarily joined him.

Mr. Peacock and Cambri Wadsworth stood at the front of two doors leading into the same master bedroom.

"Are you going in there?" Mr. Peacock asked hesitantly, approaching his door.

"Yes, are you?"

"Yes."

They both leaned in slowly.

"I don't see any light switches in there," Wadsworth said, coming back out of the room.

"Me neither, but there must be switches somewhere," Peacock did the same.

"Right."

They both slowly took a single step into the room before throwing themselves out again, pointing a finger accusingly at the other.

Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum checked beneath the bar in the billiard room, finding it clear. They were silent as they walked to the pool table, leaning on it just slightly. Mr. Scarlet reached overhead and took down a pool stick, which he juggled in his hand for a moment, presenting a dread to Professor Plum. She put her hands in front of her defensively until she realized the stick was not for her. She exhaled in relief as they both looked at the pool table, holding a mutual thought. They leaned down and found it clear.

After deciding the billiard room was safe, they moved on, Mr. Scarlet inspecting the kitchen, Professor Plum the ballroom, to save time.

In the attic, Viktor and Miss Green held their still stationary positions at the bottom of the staircase.

"Go on," Miss Green whispered, "I'll be right behind you."

"That's why I'm nervous," he said.

"Then we'll go together?"

He nodded and they made their way up the staircase, turning their bodies sideways so as to fit in the narrow passage. It grew darker as they made their way up and Viktor could feel the lean body of his counterpart leaning into him, he could smell her hair and feel the silk of her dress in his hands.

"So," he whispered, taking hold of the doorknob and blowing her hair away from her ear, "Are you really gay?"

Miss Green sighed and pushed him back from her into the wall with a thud. She opened the door to the attic and slammed it on him, locking it.

"I'll take that as a yes," Viktor sighed to himself, making it halfway down the flight of steps before he realized that she had locked that door as well. He sat down mid-staircase and hit his head repeatedly against the wall.

As they looked through the wine cellar it appeared there was a second room far off to the side. The Colonel stumbled upon it while she was making her way around the endless amount of storage.

"What's that?" Mr. White asked as he heard the gasp from Colonel Mustard's side of the cellar.

"Must be a closet or something," she said, opening the door to reveal a room littered with boxes and junk everywhere. "I'll look through here, you keep checking that side of the cellar."

Mr. White nodded and returned a comfortable distance from the young woman.

A gloved hand turned the key to the weapons and opened the door. It moved quickly to retrieve the wrench.

The hand found its way to the desk with the written evidence of the guests' crimes. It threw them into the fireplace and watched them burn for a moment before turning back to its intentions.

The gloved hand entered the lounge, unbeknownst to the occupant, still chatting away on the telephone.

"I'm a little nervous," the feminine voice said in a lowered voice to the receiver, "I'm in this big house and I've been locked in the lounge. The funny thing is, there's this whole group of people here having some sort of party and one of them is my old boss from..."

The woman was silenced as the wrench fell. She staggered for a moment, her knees buckled, and she collapsed in a heap on the ground.

The gloved hand picked up the telephone, a worried voice at the other end, and placed it carefully back on the receiver

In the conservatory all seemed to be well, and Mr. Scarlet found it much more interesting to look at all the odd little planting devices in this apparently muggle mansion than search for a killer. Plum was across the way from him, searching through a trunk that seemed to house only a very long hose.

He leaned back against the wall only to find it cave in on him. He lost his feet and fell back into a passage behind the wall.

Professor Plum ran to meet him and he stood up, wiping himself off.

"It must be a secret passageway," Plum said as she glanced into the access. "Should we see where it leads?"

"What the hell," Mr. Scarlet took a flashlight from the shelf beside him and fumbled to make it turn on, "I'll go first, I've had a good life."

They walked through the narrow passage, the professor clinging to Mr. Scarlet's shirt, much more anxious than her companion. A dim light shone some distance away, but steadily drew closer. Mr. Scarlet crawled through a square entranceway being blinded by the sudden light and Professor Plum followed him.

They had ended up in the lounge and the sight that they met caught them breathless and terrified. For, lying on the ground, her head smashed in, was the young traveler who had needed to use their telephone.

End Note: Next chapter I will reveal who the traveler (I am refraining from calling her a motorist because she was not, in fact, driving a car) was. I'd like you all to try to figure it out for now. I had the hardest time deciding when to end this chapter and I hope I chose a good place. Love you all and good night!


	5. In Which There Is An Unexpected Tour of ...

Disclaimer: I am quite fond of the Harry Potter characters, but they, along with the Mines of Moria, December 12, 1865, and Ares, God of War, do not belong to me.

Author's Note: Tomorrow is school (bites fingernails and pulls out teeth in fright) I am not all that excited, I must say. Oh well. Thanks again for all the reviews! For all of your information, it was asked in a review how many times I've seen the movie, and I am afraid the number is beyond even my comprehension. It shouldn't be legal how many times I've seen the movie. Anyway, I figured, since I know every single word of the movie, I might as well make use of it. Also, the traveler is Cho. Thanks for all who guessed.

V.

In Which There Is An Unexpected Tour of Hill House

The fireplace in which Professor Plum and Mr. Scarlet had emerged into the lounge slowly closed behind them and Professor Plum shrieked in terror and clutched at Mr. Scarlet frantically. He merely stood, shocked into a numb stupor.

Upstairs and below, the other guests heard their screams. Miss Green, in a panic, unlocked the door to the attic, running past Viktor, who had also been alarmed and ran down to the staircase, Viktor trailing behind her. Also, from the master bedroom, Cambri and Mr. Peacock came running full speed down the hallway. At the flight of stairs, both pairs of worried people colliding at full force and toppling to the ground.

As they stood, slightly dazed, they could hear the door of the cellar being slammed open by a terrified Colonel Mustard. They met at the bottom of the flight of stairs, looking warily at the lounge door, where both Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum were banging and shouting to release them from the tomb.

Wadsworth, Mr. White, and Colonel Mustard were struggling with the door to the lounge from the outside.

"It's locked," bellowed Colonel Mustard to Mr. White in supreme frustration.

"I know," Mr. White hissed.

"Then unlock it!"

Mr. White turned to Wadsworth, "Where's the key?" he asked her.

She checked in her pockets for a moment before declaring dramatically, "The key's gone," and turned back to the door frantically.

"Never mind about the key," the Colonel smacked Mr. White across the arm, "unlock the door."

"I can't unlock the door without the key!" White shouted, shaking Colonel Mustard back and forth with each word. "Let us in, let us in!" he shouted, shaking the door handle more forcefully.

"Let us out, let us out!" the two shouted from behind it.

"Wait," Mr. Peacock said, stepping into their midst, "Step aside." The company backed up, totally oblivious to whatever silly little scheme he had in his mind. "I'm just going to have to break it down!" He went at the door with a running start, slamming into it with all his weight before staggering backward and collapsing, clutching his arm in pain.

"Wait," Viktor said, retreating into the open study, "I have it."

The pleading continued to come from behind the lounge door and Miss Green stood, playing with her hair, becoming extremely agitated towards the two of them. "Will you shut up," she moaned, "we're doing our best."

Viktor returned from the study, holding the revolver in his hand. He walked a few steps before tripping over the teary-eyed Mr. Peacock, shooting the gun into the air, emitting several surprised screams from his companions.

"They're shooting at us," Mr. Scarlet's voice could be heard matter-of-factly behind the door.

Viktor aimed now at the door and took two shots at the keyhole, successfully unlocking them.

"I've been shot," Mr. Scarlet's voice could faintly be heard.

The door turned and a frazzled Professor came running out, into the arms of whoever was closest to catch her, followed by a fairly bent Mr. Scarlet who was rubbing his upper arm slowly.

"Why were you shooting that thing at us?" he asked, poking Viktor several steps until he was nearly backed into the wall. "You could have killed us. I could have been killed." He took a deep breath and said calmly, "I can't take any more scares."

At that moment the chandelier plummeted from above them, shattering mere inches behind Mr. Scarlet. He wobbled unsteadily before falling into a chair at the wall, clutching his heart and muttering quietly to himself. The group studied him for a moment before having their attention drawn back to the lounge.

"But look," Professor Plum howled, pointing into the lounge. They all ran to investigate, seeing the young woman lying bloody on the carpet.

"Which one of you did it?" Mr. Peacock snarled upon seeing the body.

"We found him," she explained, "together."

"How did you get in?" Miss Green staring fixedly at the body.

"The door was locked!" continued Colonel Mustard.

"There's a secret passageway from the conservatory," she further explained.

Suddenly Mr. White turned the attention once more from the body to Viktor.

"Is that the same gun?" he demanded, grabbing at the gun still poised in Viktor's grasp, "From the cupboard?"

"But it was locked," Wadsworth stammered.

"No," Viktor said, "it was unlocked." He realized the magnitude of what he had just said and gasped in time with the others.

"Unlocked?!"

"But yes," he said, turning, throwing the gun among the remains of chandelier and shouting behind him, "see for yourself!"

"How did you know it was unlocked," Mr. Peacock asked, "How did you know you could get at the gun?"

"I didn't, I think that I would break it open, but it was open already."

"A likely story."

The bell rang, drawing immediate silence from the eight of them.

"Maybe they'll just go away," Professor Plum said quietly, closing her eyes.

They stood an agonizing five seconds before a second ring pealed throughout the house, bringing them all practically to their knees.

"I'm going to open it," said Mr. Peacock, on the brink of a panic attack.

"Why?" they all shrieked.

"I have nothing to hide," he said, "I didn't do it." He strode to Wadsworth, "The key?" She delivered and he made his way out to the hall to the front door.

Mr. Peacock swung the door open, revealing an amiable looking police officer, to which he slammed the door once more.

He opened it presently, much more collected.

"Yes?" he said to the similarly bright-haired individual.

"I found a broken broomstick down near the gates of this house, did the owner come here by any chance?" he asked in a low voice.

"No," seven of the group said insistently.

"Yes," answered Mr. Peacock quietly.

"No!" the other rebuked him quickly.

"There seems to be some disagreement," the officer said, his eyebrow rising ever so slowly.

"No," the others assured him.

"Yes," Mr. Peacock nodded.

"Can I come in and use your floo?" he asked hesitantly.

"Oh," Wadsworth came stepping to the front, "you could, Sir, but this area's been restricted to the use of magic. Too many muggles nearby, you know, so our floo network has been completely shut down. However, you could use the telephone."

"Certainly," the police officer invited himself in, shaking the rain from his long ponytail.

"Well, you could use the one in the stud..." Wadsworth stopped herself as she glanced toward the study, "No, you can't, can you..." she thought for a moment. "You could use the one in the l..." she took a look towards the lounge, "oh, no..." she thought again. "Would you be so kind as to wait in the um... the..." she gestured animatedly behind her, the word on the tip of the tongue, "the library," she finally finished.

"Sure," he answered quietly, his eyes wide at the strange invitation. He made his way down the steps and three guests edged themselves toward the study, another three made their way towards the lounge, blocking the door. "You all seem to be very anxious about something."

"It's the chandelier that just fell down," Wadsworth said, taking his arm, "Nearly killed us." She opened the library door and showed the officer in, "Help yourself to a drink, if you'd like. Not the cognac, just in case."

"Just in case of what?" he shouted after she had already closed and locked the door.

"What now?" Wadsworth whispered, treading slowly towards the group, separated only by the shattered chandelier.

"We should have told him," Peacock said.

"Very well for you to say that now," Miss Green purred.

"I said it then," he raised his voice.

"Oh, shut up!" they all hissed.

"Let's clean this up," Wadsworth went to retrieve a set of brooms to sweep up the glass.

In the library, the police officer deftly looked up at the astonishing number of books. He stalled for moments before turning back to the phone. He placed his hand on it and, just as he was about to pick it up and place his call, it rang.

He slowly picked it up and asked into it, "Hello?"

"..."

"And who may I say is calling?"

"..."

"Would you hold on, please?"

The cop strode across the door, banging on the door loudly. "Let me out!" he shouted, "Let me out of here! You have no right to shut me in. I'll book you for false arrest and wrongful imprisonment and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty..." he thought for a moment, "and murder!"

The door swung open, revealing a group of pale, but pleasant faced individuals.

"What do you mean," Wadsworth asked, broom in hand, "Murder?"

"I just said it so you would open the door."

The group laughed half-heartedly.

"What's going on here?" the police asked, "and why did you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from Amelia Bones?"

"Amelia Bones?" Wadsworth asked, forming each word surely in her mouth.

"That's right, the Minister of Magic."

"Why is Amelia Bones on your phone?" Colonel Mustard stuttered.

"I don't know," Wadsworth said, taking a step into the library, "She's on everybody else's, why shouldn't she be on mine?" She immediately stepped into the library, removing the key from the lock, giving the group an ominous look and closing the door behind her.

"What's going on here?" the officer asked.

"We're having a party," Professor Plum said, sliding next to him and tugging at his collar. The others nodded.

"Mind if I look around?" he asked.

"Sure," she said. She turned to the group, "You can show him around, Miss Green."

"Moi?" she stammered.

"Sure," Professor Plum said, smiling all the more widely, "You can show him the kitchen and the dining room and the ball room."

The others all smiled at her. "Fine," Green said, totally frustrated. She took his arm and tugged him toward the kitchen doors. "Come with me, Officer, I'll show you the kitchen and the dining room and the ball room."

As the Officer and the Veela made their way toward the kitchen, Mr. Scarlet pulled the others to the study, spitting out instructions like mad as they came to his over-sized, but brilliant nonetheless, head.

"So," Miss Green said, putting on the best act she could manage, "this is the dining room."

"No kidding," the officer said.

Miss Green inwardly fumed with anger at the whole situation.

"What's going on in those two rooms?" the officer said, pointing out the door at the study and lounge doors.

"Which two rooms?" Miss Green asked, trying to block the door. He broke through.

"Those two rooms."

"Oh, those two rooms," she tried to think of an excuse but couldn't come up with one. He strode towards the study slowly. "No, wait, officer," she said, pulling up close to him, turning the seduction skills up to the max, "I don't think you should go in there." He seemed utterly unaffected.

"Why not?" he asked, shrugging her off.

"Because..." she reeled in thought for a moment before she realized that the cop had already made it to the door, "because it's all too shocking!"

He flung the door open and switched on the light and Miss Green's jaw dropped in surprise. There was a mellow song playing from the phonograph and all of her friends, alive and dead, were present. However, the officer never seemed to catch on, for on the couch lay a massive Mrs. Body, with Mr. Peacock kissing her lips furiously, lifting her arm to pet his hair. He made little moans every now and then to pull off the act but as Miss Green could tell from his somewhat rigid body, he couldn't have been more disgusted.

Mr. White and Colonel Mustard, however, were having a much easier time with their roles in the scheme. Mr. White had Colonel Mustard pinned against a wall, kissing down her cheek and neck while Colonel Mustard pulled him closer, leaning into his strong body. Between Mr. White's feet, Miss Green could clearly make out the little apron of Minnie the house elf, which she could tell they were trying to cover.

"This isn't really all that shocking," the police officer said in a hushed voice to Miss Green, "These people are just having a good a time."

He turned and left the room, Miss Green, still unable to speak, following him after turning off the light and closing the door on their little love fest.

The cop then made his way across the hall to the lounge door, where they were surprised to find Mr. Scarlet on top of Professor Plum on the couch, legs entwined in each others, lips pressing fervently. In a chair opposite them was a girl's body propped up with a large hat covering her head and face, a whiskey bottle resting in her hand.

"Excuse me," the officer said, announcing his entrance. Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum sat up quickly, leaning against each other while they stared at the cop, praying he wouldn't inspect the girl too closely. "This girl's drunk," he said, smelling the liquor in her hair and on her clothes. "Dead drunk."

"Dead right," Mr. Scarlet said with a slight chuckle.

"I can't let her drive home like this."

"She won't be driving home officer, I promise you that," Mr. Scarlet said, the chuckle intensifying in his voice.

"One of you will give him a lift?"

"Oh," Professor Plum said, stifling her laughter along with Mr. Scarlet, "we'll get him a car."

"A long black car," Mr. Scarlet said, turning straight to Plum and laughing at himself.

"A limousine," she compensated, giggling, pulling Mr. Scarlet down on to her again to excuse the officer from the room.

The pair of them met Wadsworth in the middle of the Hall.

"You're too late," the officer said, patting Wadsworth on the shoulder, "I've seen it all."

"You have?" she gasped, "Well, I can explain."

"You don't need to," he continued, smiling amicably, "there's nothing illegal about any of this."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, this is a free country. Don't you know that?"

"I didn't know it was that free."

"May I use your phone now?" he asked turning back to the library.

"Certainly," Wadsworth said, shooting Miss Green a questioning glance behind the officer's head, to which she simply shook her head.

She locked the door on the officer once more and met the other guests out in the middle of the hall, each having a slightly different, though frazzled appearance.

"Why did you lock him in again?" Colonel Mustard asked as she made her way out of the study.

"We haven't finished searching the house yet."

"Well we're running out of time, only fifteen minutes until the police arrive," Mr. Scarlet whispered to the others.

"The police already came," Mr. Peacock whispered back.

"Oh, shut up!" the others whispered at him. It seemed to be his new slogan.

"Let's get on with it," Wadsworth said, dragging Mr. Peacock to the stairs.

Each person took their respective partners to their respective areas of the house and disappeared in the rooms, starting up the search once more.

End Note: I have several things to say- one, I will not tell you who the police officer is until next chapter. I will leave it up to you to guess for now. Also, I realize that Amelia Bones is an odd choice for Minister of Magic, but, here are my arguments: I was going to have Dumbledore be it but he really wouldn't want that position or the scandal involved with it, plus I wasn't up to the task of writing Dumbledore. Okay, secondly, I was going to have Percy, but then I thought to myself, ewe. I would almost rather have Fudge- almost. So, then I realized, hey, head of Department of Magical Law Enforcement, good guy... she seemed like a likely candidate. So, just if you were wondering what prompted that odd little tidbit- there you go.


	6. In Which Wadsworth Reveals Everything

Disclaimer: Man, do I wish I owned Harry Potter. Sadly, along with ice sculptures, pterodactyls, and Leonardo DiCaprio, I do not.

Author's Note: I thought I'd have two more chapters, but this is the last one. It's crazy, I know. As far as the policeman goes, most of you were right- it is Bill Weasley. Way to go!

VI.

In Which Wadsworth Reveals Everything

The four groups split up, Colonel Mustard and Mr. White retreating frightfully down to the cellar, Miss Wadsworth and Mr. Peacock making their way warily up the stairs to the second floor and Miss Green and Viktor climbing disappointedly to the attic. Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum remained on the ground floor, staring fixedly at the library door, contemplating the activities the police officer was entertaining himself with.

"What do you say we check out the kitchen?" Mr. Scarlet turned finally to the professor.

"Sure," she said, turning and slumping across the hall to kitchen.

They both entered and Professor Plum turned to one side of the island, Mr. Scarlet the other. She inspected the knife drawers thinking of all the murderous ways they could be used and cringing inwardly. Mr. Scarlet spun around, shifting his eyes at the cupboards in front of him as if the murderer was just behind any one of those doors. He chose one randomly and flung it open with a loud cry of triumph before nearly losing consciousness by a plummeting ironing board falling from the cabinet.

"What was that?" Professor Plum's head shot up from where she had been looking in the drawers at floor level.

Mr. Scarlet staggered slightly before grabbing his balance at the cabinets.

She shrugged and ducked back down to her drawers. Mr. Scarlet made his way across the wall until getting to the refrigerator that had just hosted the poor little house elf. He shuttered at the thought and opened it, feeling around for anything suspicious. As he stuck his hand back into the wall, he felt a small handle, and, upon turning it, the back of the refrigerator swung open, revealing a long, narrow corridor.

"Look!" he squealed and jumped back from the door, looking at Professor Plum, who was running across the room to him. "I can't believe it, I wonder where this one goes."

"Well," she said, "let's find out."

They both slowly entered through the cold refrigerator and into the dark passageway.

Finding themselves back in the study facing two dead bodies, entering through a large portrait on the walls, was very disappointing. They turned to each other and shrugged, a look of boredom passing their faces.

"Let's try the ballroom," Mr. Scarlet suggested, taking the professor's hand and pulling her behind him limply.

After much pleading and groveling on the Bulgarian's part, Miss Green finally allowed him to join her in the attic. They entered into the small room and made their way through the endless amounts of junk, poring over chests and boxes and furniture swathed with dust-encrusted cloths. Viktor eventually came to a door on the opposite end of the room and looked at it shiftily before flinging it open defensively.

It was at that moment that the electricity went out.

The house was draped in an eerie disillusion. When one member of the party could sense another's presence it moved away warily only to find themselves backed against a coat-rack that they mistook as the terrorist in a piercing scream. It was a time of complete unrest. Professor Plum tried haplessly to light a match; Mr. White suddenly couldn't get himself out of a tangle of spider webs; Wadsworth felt a door handle, entered, felt a second door handle and was immediately pelted with water from the shower; and Mr. Scarlet had simply curled into a fetal-type ball beneath the piano in the ball room, trying to get a wink of shut-eye. However, no matter what the condition of the particular guest, none could be naïve to boyish voice sing dimly, "_I am your singing telegram!"_ or the screams ensuing after the gunshot and slammed door.

Wadsworth found her way to the staircase, which she carefully made her way down, her shoes sloshing uncomfortably with water. She opened the door to the cellar, where she threw the power switch, blinding everyone with the sudden and unexpected light.

Faces met her from all corners. Members of the group came from upstairs, others from various rooms on the ground floor and so forth.

They silently made their way to the library door, which had mysteriously been opened to see the police officer sprawled on the ground, his head smashed in by a lead pipe that lay several feet away. No one responded. They turned and went to the billiard room next door and peeked their heads in to find a strangled Viktor lying in what looked like a comfortable position on the pool table, the white rope stiff around his chafed throat.

Professor Plum approached the body and reached out to feel the rope. "Neither of them shot," she mused quietly to herself, but with the attention of the group, "I thought I heard a gun."

"So did I," cried Mr. Peacock, the others following him with similar expressions.

"I thought I heard the front door slam," Colonel Mustard said, already making to run and investigate.

"Oh God. The murderer must have run out," Mr. White said, joining her to the door, the rest following closely.

They opened the door to see a small blonde boy lying dead on the front steps, blood reddening his white shirt.

"Three murders," Wadsworth said.

"Six altogether," Colonel Mustard calculated quietly.

"This is getting serious," Wadsworth said, turning to her guests. They nodded in agreement. Wadsworth made her way back down the hall, stopping at the place the chandelier had fallen earlier.

"No gun," she whispered to herself, "Viktor dropped it here." The others listened carefully to what she had to say, "Very well, I know who did it."

"You do?" they all gasped.

"Yes," she nodded, ringing her wet hair slightly, "and furthermore I'm going to tell you how it was all done." She took a slight breath and straightened herself, "Follow me."

They followed deftly, fascinated by her certainty.

"In order to help you understand what happened, I'm going to take you through the events of the evening step by step." She made her way to the library and situated herself by the drinks. "At the start of the evening, Viktor was here, by himself, waiting to pour you all a drink. I was in the hall," she said as she made her way to the hall, "I know because I was there..."

They exchanged concerned looks.

"Then I hurried across to the kitchen," she did so, the others following. "The house-elf was in here, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner and then..." she ran out to the hall again, "the door bell rang." She pointed at Colonel Mustard, "It was you."

"Yes."

"I asked you for your coat and I recognized you as Colonel Mustard and I prevented you from telling me your real name because I didn't want any of you to use any name other than your pseudonym and I introduced myself to you as the butler and I ran across the hall to the library." They all displayed mere expressions of shock at the horribly exhausted statement their butler had sputtered in one hasty breath.

"And then Viktor met you and smiled and poured you a drink," she grinned excitedly and pantomimed a pouring motion. "Then the doorbell rang and it was Mr. White, looking pale and tragic, and I took his coat and we were off!" She again returned to the library to meet her audience to which she spoke hushed and feverishly her next words, "I introduced Mr. White to Colonel Mustard- 'Hello,' 'Hello'- and then there was a rumble of thunder and a crash of lightning. And to make a long story short..."

"Too late."

"One by one you all arrived."

She flew across the hall to stand in front of the kitchen where a large gong stood, "And then the gong was struck by the cook!" she hit the gong, a crash ringing throughout the house while she continued her commentary unphased. "Then we went into the dining room.

"And Mr. Peacock sat here, and Professor Plum sat here, and Mr. White, Miss Green, Mr. Scarlet, and Colonel Mustard. This seat was vacant." She paused for a moment, distracted by the sea of distressed faces but soon continued, "Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter- and you'd had a letter and you'd had a letter and you'd..."

"Get on with it!"

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there. The point is, blackmail!"

Colonel Mustard shifted her weight on her hip and said, annoyed, "But all this came out after dinner in the study!"

"You're right."

She flew past the crowd and down the hall to the study, pulling Colonel Mustard by the forearm.

"Mrs. Body went to get her surprise packages from the hall, you all opened your presents, and..."

She switched out the light and there was a thud and scream. Mr. Peacock turned the light switch on, revealing Wadsworth limp on the floor.

"No," Mustard gasped.

They all shuffled over to inspect her, Professor Plum leaning down and turning her over. There was a wide smile on the woman's face.

"Mrs. Body lay on the floor, apparently dead."

"She was dead, I examined her!" Mr. Scarlet cried.

"Then why was she bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if she was dead already?" she widened her eyes, daring Mr. Scarlet to come up with a response to that.

He wilted in intimidation.

"Alright, I made a mistake."

"Right," Miss Wadsworth continued, addressing her larger audience once again, "but if so, why was Mrs. Body pretending to be dead? It could only be that she realized her scheme had misfired and the shot had intended to kill her, not me." She ran to the fat body reclining on the sofa and tugged at her earlobe, "Look, the bullet grazed her ear."

"So," Professor Plum said from behind, "whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill her!"

"But remember what happened next," she walked to the corner where a bottle of brandy sit and Mr. Peacock was leaning against the door, "Mr. Peacock took a drink, you said, 'Maybe it's poisoned!' he screamed..." She looked at Mr. Peacock in anticipation and, realizing that he was not going to play along, pinched him hard in the behind, to which he jumped and let out a shriek.

She nodded and pushed him into the couch as he kept screaming. She slapped him across the face and turned, "Miss Green said, 'I had to stop him screaming...' Then, more screaming: Viktor, the billiard room!"

She turned dramatically and ran past the others and down the hall. The rest slumped after her, their feet hurting as it was. They met her, standing against the pool table, a knowing gleam spread over her face.

"But one of us wasn't here," she said in a whisper.

"No?" they all voiced.

"No. Maybe one of us was murdering the house elf. Who wasn't here with us?"

They all shifted uncomfortably and glanced at each other suspiciously.

"Do you know?" Miss Green asked in a small whimper.

"I do!" She took off through the crowd of people, hurling the delicate Miss Green against the wall, as she continued her explanation, "While we stood here, trying to stop Viktor from panicking, one of could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger, run down the hall and stabbed the cook."

By this time, she was in the kitchen with the knife plunged into a large piece of meat hanging in the refrigerator, smiling shiftily at the group.

"Oh," Mr. Peacock insisted, "how could he have risked it? We might have seen him running back."

"Not if he used this secret passage." She swung the door out of the back of the refrigerator, drawing excited gasps from the company, with the exception of Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum who giggled at each other. "The murderer could have run back down the secret passage to the study."

"Is that where it comes out?" Mr. White called after her.

"Yes, look!" she made it to the study and slid the portrait from its correct spot.

"But," Mr. Scarlet said disappointedly, "how did you know?"

"This house belongs to a friend of mine," she smiled, "I've known all along."

Colonel Mustard gasped and clutched her chest, "Then you could be the murderer."

"Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?"

This left them positively speechless, all but Mr. Peacock who couldn't seem to keep his mouth shut.

"Well, who else knew about it?"

"We found it," Mr. Scarlet said, shaking Professor Plum's shoulder, "Professor Plum and me."

"You found it," she said taking a step back, "you could have known about it all the time."

"But I didn't."

"Well why should we believe you?" dared Mr. Peacock, sticking his face between theirs.

"Because he was with us all in the study when Viktor was screaming, don't you remember?" Wadsworth pointed out.

"What I want to know is why was the house elf murdered?" Mr. Peacock spat, still between Mr. Scarlet and Professor Plum, "She had nothing to do with Mr. Body."

"Of course she did," Wadsworth leaned against the wall, flicking her hand in annoyance, "I gathered you all together because you were all implicated in Mrs. Body's dastardly plan of blackmail. Did none of you deduce that the others were involved too?"

"What others?" Miss Green was heard faintly from the back.

"The house elf and Viktor."

"No." The house rang with the single word muttered so passionately by each occupant.

"That's how she got all her information. Before Mrs. Body could blackmail any of you she needed to discover your guilty secrets." She took a dramatic pause and a step forward, "The house elf and Viktor were her accomplices."

"I see," Colonel Mustard worded very carefully. "So, whoever knew that the house elf was involved..." she thought for a moment, praying that she had come up with the right conclusion, "killed her?"

"Yes," Wadsworth said, eyes wide due to being merely associated with such stupidity.

The colonel looked downright pleased with herself.

"I know," Wadsworth continued, "because I was Mrs. Body's butler, that the house elf worked for one of you..."

"Who?" they all voiced.

Wadsworth abruptly changed the subject and turned to Mr. Peacock, "You recognized Viktor, didn't you? Don't deny it."

"What do you mean, don't deny it? I'm not denying anything."

"Ha! Another denial."

"Alright, it's true," Mr. Peacock straightened himself considerably, "I knew Viktor. My wife had an affair with him but I didn't care. I wasn't jealous."

"But," Colonel Mustard said, bringing the subject of conversation back to where she thought it most important, "where and when was Mrs. Body killed?"

"Don't you see," Wadsworth said, taking her by the arm and tripping her to lay on the floor, "We came back to the study with Viktor and Mrs. Body was lying on the floor pretending to be dead but one of us noticed she was alive." She lifted the Colonel to her feet and threw her back into the wall where she slumped into a chair, shocked by the violent outburst.

"I explained that I was Mrs. Body's butler and I had invited you here," Wadsworth continued, "and we realized there was only one other person in the house."

"The cook!" they all declared, running out of the study before Wadsworth to the kitchen.

When they arrived, Colonel Mustard ran to the refrigerator, finger extended in triumph before realizing Wadsworth was no longer among them.

"Well where is she?" she asked, dumbfounded before the refrigerator door creeped open, revealing the young black-haired butler standing limply, soon to fall into the colonel's arms.

Colonel Mustard tried for a moment to support the woman in her arms before realizing what Wadsworth was doing and dropping her carelessly on the ground.

"By now she was dead," Wadsworth said from the ground to the sea of faces above her. "We laid her down with our backs to the freezer and one of us slipped back through the same secret passage."

"Again?" Mr. White asked dully, his eyes drooping heavily.

"Of course," Wadsworth affirmed, more excitable than ever, "back to the study."

They all ran back to the study where Wadsworth stood at the portrait and continued. "The murderer was in the secret passage while Mrs. Body had been on the floor," she kicked Colonel Mustard to the floor once again. "She jumped up and the murderer came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick," by this time she had lifted the colonel to her feet and was slowly backing her out of the room, a wild expression on her face. "Mrs. Body left the study in a panic, looking for an escape when the murderer crept up behind her and killed her!" She thrust her fist into Colonel Mustard's back, sending to her knees again.

"Will you stop that!" she demanded, standing and rubbing her neck gingerly.

"No." Wadsworth took Colonel Mustard's arm and pulled her down the hall, "The murderer threw the body into the toilet," she tossed the delicate girl into the bathroom and slammed the door, looking at her watch, "and nonchalantly rejoined us in the kitchen with the cook's body. It took less than half a minute."

"So who wasn't with us the entire time in the kitchen?" asked Mr. Scarlet, leaning against a wall in the back.

"Whoever it was is the murderer." She ran to the front door, saying, "We then put the weapons in the cupboard and ran to the front door..." she gasped and opened the door, "the traveler!" Then turning to them with a guilty smile, she admitted, "I didn't throw the key away, I put it in my pocket and someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another."

"We were all in a huddle," Professor Plum said, "Any one of us could have done that."

"Precisely. Let's look at the other murders."

"Yes, it was bad luck that the girl arrived at that moment."

"It wasn't luck," Wadsworth said plainly, "I invited her."

"You did?" Miss Green nearly shrieked.

"Of course, it's obvious. Everyone here tonight was either Mrs. Body's victim or accomplice. Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you. I got them here together so they'd give evidence against her and force her to confess."

"Yeah," Mr. Scarlet asked dangerously, "What about that traveler, what kind of information did she have?"

Mr. White stepped from the ranks and said slowly, "She was my assistant during the early years of the war."

"And what was she holding over you?"

"She discovered the links I held with the underground and threatened to expose my illegal transactions."

"Was the police man working for Mrs. Body too?" Mr. Peacock asked frenziedly.

"The cop was my boyfriend," Miss Green's French purr lulled from their midst before she stepped to the front, a glazed look over her eyes, "I suppose it was with him that I realized I could never be attracted to men. It was the reason we were separated."

"And the singing telegram boy?" Colonel Mustard asked.

"The boy was on my payroll," Mr. Scarlet said frankly, "I bribed him once a week to photograph for the newsletters. Mrs. Body found out somehow."

They all glanced at the ground and, opening the door, Wadsworth said in a lightened tone, "Let's put him in the study with the study with the others."

The men removed the small boy to the study, careful not to bump his head on the walls. When they had returned to the women, wiping their hands on their pants, they stood again before continuing the earlier conversation.

"Now you all know why they died," Wadsworth stated with apparent resolution in her voice, "Whoever killed Mrs. Body also wanted her accomplices dead."

"But how did the murderer know about them all?" Miss Green asked wearily. "I admit that I had guessed that my former flame had informed on me to Mrs. Body but I didn't about any of you until this evening."

"First," Wadsworth said, content to continue, "the murderer needed to get the weapons. Easy, he stole the key from my pocket." She turned to the lanky girl in the corner fiercely, "Then we all followed Colonel Mustard's suggestion to split up and search the house."

"That's right!" Mr. Peacock stammered, stepping forward, "It was Colonel Mustard's suggestion."

"And one of us got away from his or her partner. On the desk," she ran to the study and leaned against the desk, more energized than ever, "was an envelope from Mrs. Body containing photographs and information on her network of informants."

"Where's the envelope now?" Mr. White asked, the first to arrive behind her.

"Gone," Wadsworth said as the rest of the company joined them, "Destroyed; perhaps in the fire... the only possible place." Wadsworth ran to the fireplace and stooped down, noticing some crumpled papers on the sides and exclaiming in a triumphant wonder before she stood up to meet them all once more at eye-level. "Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench..."

"Then," Mr. Scarlet squealed, running out into the hall to the door of the lounge, "we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge where we found the traveler dead!"

"That's right!" Wadsworth cried, "And we couldn't get in so Viktor ran to get the gun from the cupboard and shot the door open - BANG! – and then the doorbell rang."

At this moment the doorbell did ring, exhausting terrified gasps from the whole party.

"Oh," Colonel Mustard said horribly, "whoever it is, they've got to go away or they'll be killed!"

She ran to the door and flung it open, managing the most together look she could muster, only resulting in a more flustered image. It was an elderly woman with a small pamphlet in her hand. "Good evening," she said with a smile, "Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?"

"What?" the Colonel gasped.

"Repent," the woman said nodding slowly, "the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

"You ain't just whistling Dixie," Mr. Scarlet's voice could he heard behind them.

"Armageddon is almost upon us."

"I got news for you," this time it was Professor Plum's voice, "it's already here."

"But your souls are in danger," the woman said with a violently compassionate look in her eyes.

"Our lives are in danger, you beatnik," the colonel said curtly before slamming the door on the old woman and leaning against it heavily, staring at the other members of her company.

"The cop arrived next," Wadsworth exclaimed, utterly unphased by the interruption, "We locked him in the library and forgot that the cupboard to the weapons was now unlocked. Then we split up again and the murderer switched out the lights."

She ran across the hall and with the final words switched off the lights from the hallway into the cellar. All six screamed.

"Sorry," she said, turning the lights on again, "didn't mean to frighten anyone."

"You're a bit late for that!" screamed Miss Green from across the room, clinging to Mr. Peacock.

"Then," she said quietly with a wild look in her eyes, "there were three more murders. Let's consider each murder one by one." She paced back down the length of the hall and spoke to Mr. Scarlet. "Mr. Scarlet, you knew that Mrs. Body was still alive. Even drag queens can tell whether a person is alive or dead. You fired the gun in the dark and missed. That's why you pretended she was dead, so you could kill her later unobserved."

"That's right!" Professor Plum pointed her finger from beside him, "he was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the house elf dead."

"But he was with us in the billiard room when we found Viktor screaming," Miss Green reasoned, "If that was when the house elf was killed then how did he do it?"

"I didn't," said Mr. Scarlet.

"You don't expect us to believe you, do you?" Professor Plum said shaking her head sadly at him.

"I expect you to believe it," Wadsworth said, rounding on her. "You killed the house elf."

"You killed a house elf?" Mr. Peacock said slowly, a numbing disbelief filling his pores.

"She used to be your house elf," Wadsworth continued, "and she informed on you to Mrs. Body. You made one fatal mistake." Wadsworth pulled a chair to the center of the room and sat very upright, imitating a spoon held midair, "Sitting at dinner, Professor Plum told us that we were eating one of her favorite dishes and monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine are not often to be found in England."

"Is that what we ate?" Colonel Mustard asked, stepping toward the bathroom, gagging slightly.

They all stood dumbstruck, backing away from the professor slowly before Wadsworth called their attention elsewhere. "Mr. White," he put the chair back to its original standing place, "when we opened the door to the traveler, you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. When we split up, you separated from Colonel Mustard and crossed the hall where you unlocked the cupboard and took out the wrench. You ran to the conservatory where you entered the lounge through the secret passage way and killed the traveler with a blow to the head like that!" she imitated the fall of a wrench, then turned, running to the stairs.

"You killed her?" Mr. Scarlet asked off-handedly.

He nodded guiltily.

"I was going to expose you," the colonel said, joining the triangle.

"Well, I chose to expose myself," Mr. White said, turning to her confidently.

"Please," Mr. Scarlet said, "there are ladies present." They all sighed in amusement until they realized Wadsworth making her way up the stairs.

"This is incredible," Miss Green whimpered under her breath.

"Not so incredible as what happened next." She made it to the top of the stairs and preached the following events to her crowd below. "When we split up again I went upstairs with you," she pointed accusingly to Mr. Peacock, "yes, you, Mr. Peacock! And, while I was in the master bedroom, you hurried downstairs, turned out the electricity, got the rope and strangled Viktor." She now slowly made her way down the stairs, saying each word slowly and carefully. "You were jealous your wife was sleeping with Viktor; that's why you killed her too."

By now, Wadsworth had made her way dramatically to the door of the billiard room, opening the door slowly to expose Viktor's dead body on the table.

"Yes," Mr. Peacock said quietly, "Yes, I did it; I killed Viktor." He slowly walked toward Wadsworth, "I hated him so much," he paused to formulate his thoughts and eventually brought his hands to the sides of his face in frustration, "It was like flames... flames on the side of my face. Breathing breath... heaving breath..."

Wadsworth flat out interrupted the confession that was going nowhere, "But while you were in the billiard room, Miss Green took her opportunity and, under cover of darkness, made her way down the stairs to the library where she hit the cop on the head with the lead pipe. True or false?"

Miss Green was standing with her jaw nearly on the ground in awe. "True," she managed, "who are you? Perry Mason?"

"So," Professor Plum said animatedly, "it must have been Colonel Mustard who shot the singing telegram boy."

"I didn't do it," the colonel gasped and backed away, tears nearly in her eyes.

"Well," Miss Green said matter-of-factly, "there's nobody else left."

"But I didn't do it," she shrieked. She stood for a moment, calculating her position. "The gun is missing," she finally said, "whoever's got the gun, shot the kid."

"I shot him," Wadsworth breathed menacingly as she pulled the gun from her pocket smoothly.

"You?" Miss Green gasped, backing away until the entire group was nearly up against the wall in a straight line together.

"You thought Mrs. Body was dead, but why?" Wadsworth asked in an icy voice, "none of you even met her until tonight."

They all stood for a moment, their thought processes working at identical speeds until they all simultaneously pointed toward her, their jaw dropping in shock.

"You're Mrs. Body," Colonel Mustard said slowly.

The woman before them grinned and chuckled softly.

"Wait a minute!" Mr. Scarlet cried, running to the doorway of the study, "Then who did I kill?"

"My butler," Wadsworth replied calmly.

"Oh shucks," he said and returned to the line.

"She was expendable," Wadsworth explained, "like all of you." She started pacing back and forth before them, her gun pointed toward them threateningly, "I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. You've saved me a lot of trouble. Now, there's no evidence against me." She smiled even wider.

"But the police will be here any minute," Colonel Mustard said, separating from the group as Wadsworth made her way to the front door. "You'll never get away with it, any of you."

"Why should the police come," Wadsworth asked, "No one's called them."

"You mean?" Mr. Peacock started, before realizing the answer to his own question, "Oh my God- of course."

"So why shouldn't we get away with it?" Wadsworth said, tossing each of them their coats as she spoke, "We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly, one at a time, and pretend that none of it ever happened."

"And you'll just go on blackmailing us?" Colonel Mustard asked, gaining her confidence with each word.

"Of course," she sneered wickedly, "why not?"

"Well," Colonel Mustard said, reaching into her purse, "I'll tell you why not..." She pulled her own gun out and the two of them shot at the same moment. Wadsworth missed, the colonel didn't.

Cambri Wadsworth dropped the gun in surprise and clutched her stomach, staggering slightly before murmuring, "Good shot, Mustard." She slumped to her knees and gasped, "Very good," before falling forward on to her face, dead.

The remaining guests made a steady semi-circle around the now unfamiliar girl. "Who are you?" Mr. White asked.

"I'm Colonel Mustard, remember? A plant." she stepped forward to the front door. "That phone call from the minister was for me. I told you I didn't do it." With that, she flung open the door, revealing a squad of wizards, wand in hand, who ran in to circle the group of people.

"Alright," an elderly woman approached the colonel, a pamphlet and gun in hand, "who dunnit?"

The five guests erupted into accusations, all lost among the others.

"They all done it!" Colonel Mustard exclaimed, silencing the others. "But if you want to know who killed Mrs. Body, Colonel Mustard did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay, Chief, take them away."

Colonel Mustard turned and abruptly walked through the doors, off the grounds and home. The only person to safely escape Hill House that night.

The End.

End Note: I hope you all found that to be a satisfactory ending. I enjoyed it, however it was incredibly difficult to manipulate it toward my own results. I hope fans of the movie were okay with the changes I made. Now that this one's done, I guess you'll have to go read my other stories. Hehe...


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